sunflower fairy

My emotions took a dip. I am depressed again. This usually happens when I am dead tired from doing mental work or when I suppressed a feeling. When the cause is mental exhaustion, I get paranoid thoughts and think negative. When this happens, I stop working. Go out and relax. Watch a movie or chat with friends. I also cook to de-stress; make a meal that requires some elaborate preparation. Somehow the knots get undone. I feel more relaxed.

But when its the latter, I hiss fire. I imagine my feelings hidden deep down and slowly it rises and spews lava… In times like this, I really have to express my deep seated feelings.

Well, it’s not easy for me to express my feelings. I am a work in progress in the area of emotions. I think a lot and even analyze my feelings. In the process, I just succeed in supressing them. I have difficulty getting in touch with my feelings. Sometimes, I have to resort to watching Pinoy Big Brother or telenovelas just so I could empathize with the characters. I’m so used to numb my feelings, convinced that, I can manage this welling emotions inside. 

Its not a puzzle to me that I cry my heart out when I get to the pit of my emotions. I also suffer from nausea and dyspepsia. All these physiologic reactions are rooted in my emotions.  Its like you feel a dis-ease because you refuse to feel.

Anyway, when I am able to rest, relax, talk to somebody or write about how I feel. My emotions would stabilize and my equanimity is restored. But its not easy I have to say. A depression is a hole. Sometimes, when the hole is deep and dark, it takes a while before I could find my way out. But there’s always a way out… always…

I miss my life in Davao! It was four years ago when I left Iloilo to teach as Lecturer at UP Mindanaor. It was not my first time to be away from home. I had a job in Bohol in 2001 which required me to be away from home. In college, I attended summer class at UP Diliman; I also took a short course for three months at the Institute of Women’s Studies, St. Scholastica’s College, Manila, in 1999.

I resided in Davao for a period of four years. I went to Davao on June 2002 and returned to Iloilo on October 2006. In the four years that I lived in Davao, I had experiences which helped me mature as a person. The first months was not really trying. My spirit of adventure was up and Davao was an exciting journey. I could even say the first few months was pure bliss.

I enjoyed the anonymity and the solitude. I had my own place. It was not much but it provided for what I needed. I had a job. It did not pay much but it sufficed to pay for the bills. Although, initially I had to adjust to the tight budget and my  financial priorities took a drastic change.

The adjustment was not so difficult because I was with friends whom I consider as soul companions. I also had a refuge in the formation house of a Catholic mission. I was renting a room and a first cousin is one of the tenants of the building. I felt safe and secure surrounded by blood kins and friends.

In UP, the adjustment was not difficult either. I taught a General Education course which I really love to teach, Social Science II. My co-faculty were nice and not that impersonal. The familiar face of a former faculty member in UPV was welcoming. The major hurdle was getting accustomed to riding the "habal habal".

I remember making a big issue over the matter. I cried about the fact that I have to make do with such mode of transportation. I was worried about my poise and my legs. looking back, after my teaching demo, I expressed the experience was rather harrowing.

But it was fun later on when I got used to it. I like the cool breeze on my face and the feeling of "freedom". I miss my life in Davao. I felt freer there with my anonymity and solitude.      

Today is day three since Luisa Posa-Dominado and Nilo Arado were abducted by armed men. They have yet to surface and I feel helpless and angry at the same time for what happened.

Luisa is a friend who generously gave me the story of Dalama. I wanted to write an academic paper on the indigenous peoples of Panay, the Tumadok, more particularly, about IP women. I had an opportunity to attend the orientation for participants to an IP Assembly and Luisa was the speaker. Briefly, she mentioned Dalama who is a binukot, who became a member of the revolutionary group New People’s Army. But, she was killed in an ambush, and her story remains untold.

I was drawn to Dalama’s story for the reason that she was a binukot. This is a dying practice among the Tumandok to confine a young girl until she is ready for bethrothal. I got interested in the glaring contrast between being a binukot and becoming a revolutionary.

Anyway, I remembered, Luisa was most generous in sharing Dalama’s story. We had several interviews. I recall, we had meetings at Chow King and Greenwich… and in between nibbles of siomai and pizza, I listened to her narrative about Dalama. Back then, I thought this woman is so kind. We are not close friends, yet, she was willing to spend time for the interviews. I was even more convinced that her kindness is genuine because she willingly read the final draft of my paper. It was almost ten in the evening when I finished writing my paper but she agreed to the meeting. I was conscious of the process of validation before presenting to my audience the paper… I told her, in the future, I would like to write her story…

I am hoping and I am still hopeful that Luisa is alive. She may not be in safe hands right now. But I continue to pray… and believe that OUR GOD IS A JUSR GOD… I also pray for May Wan and Tamara to be strong for their mother… Nilo is also in my prayers…

I’m trying to manage a rage brewing inside me… I don’t know whom to get angry with… but I think I have a right to be angry for what happened to a friend… I am angry… very angry…

I had an oppurtunity to visit a Rehabilitation Center for Girls outside Iloilo City. My friend Chuchi paved the way for my visit, she is the Center’s Executive Director.

The evening has descended when we reached the place. Earlier, we had tea at Nits’ place in Pavia. Pavia is a town in Iloilo which is famous for its delicacy called baye-baye.

I haven’t seen Nits for a while, it was a reunion of sorts. Back then we were together in many women’s gathering. Nits is a teacher and pastor in one of the Protestant Universities in Iloilo City.

From her dining room, one had an expansive view of a watermelon plantation. They were harvesting it by the truckload.

We left Nits’ place with some gifts of tea and native garlic. It was nearing dusk when we hit the road for Passi City.

The Center is secluded, it’s conducive for healing and meditation. I was introduced to Renee’ and Arlette, the staff of the Center. I also met two French volunteers named David and Marjorie.

We had dinner at a restaurant a few kilometers away from the Center. We had a good fill of oysters from Capiz, at this time of the year, oysters are tastier.   

The Center is even more quiet when we returned. The girls have retired to their quarters I was told. Chuchi and I still had a long conversation about work and well-being. The Center is Chuchi’s workplace as she bravely battled with breast cancer. It was almost midnight when we called it an evening.

I occupied a room at the dormitory for volunteers. From my window, I had a glimpse of the evening sky…It’s so peaceful…

In the morning, I saw some of the girls… one was watering plants… two girls were sweeping the sidewalk of dead leaves which have fallen from the lush mahogany trees. The Center faces a reforested area that’s why the air is crisp in the morning.

After breakfast, I was given a guided tour by Renee’. The Center used to boast of a butterfly farm. But it was difficult to maintain it and most of the butterflies have migrated to the nearby forest. Only a few of them have stayed, I saw them flitting.

I got to meet two monkeys and two rabbits and the famous chameleon of which the Center is named after.

I met more girls… they were playing with drums… I chatted with them and tried my hands at drum playing…

We have to leave for San Enrique, the town next to Passi City. We were invited to be part of their Women’s Month Celebration. I miss doing this out of town trips to be with grassroots women. I enjoyed the activity despite the fact that some politicos used the occassion to campaign for their candidacy.

I was asked to give the closing remarks. It was the first time in years since I talked to women in the grassroots. I gave my message in Ilonggo… I miss doing this, too.