sunflower fairy

My emotions took a dip. I am depressed again. This usually happens when I am dead tired from doing mental work or when I suppressed a feeling. When the cause is mental exhaustion, I get paranoid thoughts and think negative. When this happens, I stop working. Go out and relax. Watch a movie or chat with friends. I also cook to de-stress; make a meal that requires some elaborate preparation. Somehow the knots get undone. I feel more relaxed.

But when its the latter, I hiss fire. I imagine my feelings hidden deep down and slowly it rises and spews lava… In times like this, I really have to express my deep seated feelings.

Well, it’s not easy for me to express my feelings. I am a work in progress in the area of emotions. I think a lot and even analyze my feelings. In the process, I just succeed in supressing them. I have difficulty getting in touch with my feelings. Sometimes, I have to resort to watching Pinoy Big Brother or telenovelas just so I could empathize with the characters. I’m so used to numb my feelings, convinced that, I can manage this welling emotions inside. 

Its not a puzzle to me that I cry my heart out when I get to the pit of my emotions. I also suffer from nausea and dyspepsia. All these physiologic reactions are rooted in my emotions.  Its like you feel a dis-ease because you refuse to feel.

Anyway, when I am able to rest, relax, talk to somebody or write about how I feel. My emotions would stabilize and my equanimity is restored. But its not easy I have to say. A depression is a hole. Sometimes, when the hole is deep and dark, it takes a while before I could find my way out. But there’s always a way out… always…